In our Christmas Eve zoom, my father, a Mexican scientist, started listing all the viable vaccines that he believes will flood the market in late winter. While I hesitated to make spring break commitments, he expressed confidence that we could be together that soon. During this conversation, I found that I could not even make my brain imagine this magical “after” of CV-19. I could sense that I was holding on to my anxious way of thinking, even when someone who has closely studied vaccine science tells me to be optimistic!

As a CBT therapist, I have become skilled at catching my clients having automatic anxious thoughts and anxious interpretations of events. I can lead clients through challenging exercises where we dispute their catastrophizing thoughts and develop a more balanced view on their lives. I have developed an automatic skepticism when clients tell me, “no one likes me” or “my life is a mess.” I now can sense that so much of what we think about ourselves and the world can be the function of a negative lens.

However, when I take off my therapist hat, I am laid bare as just another human being who struggles with anxiety. I have to utilize my own CBT “tricks” every single day, on myself. It had been years since I had felt acute anxiety -- until the pandemic struck! The chaos, the dire news reporting, and the drastic changes of the first lockdown jarred loose some old demons.

Besides the fear of me or my loved ones getting ill, the core fear that powered my anxiety state around COVID-19 was that scientists would never find an effective vaccine. My deep fear was that our lives would stay frozen in this lockdown/quarantine state for years. Now, the news and my scientist father is telling me that this is simply not the case. Why is it so hard to drop back down into a calm and confident outlook?

The key is in nervous system dysregulation. If we are panicked for long enough, it becomes increasingly difficult to “regulate” again. This means that as a COVID-19 hard-hit nation, we have grown accustomed to a lack of safety. For some Americans, this means relaxing the rules; for others with anxiety, we remain alert to danger even longer than is necessary. For both groups, our pandemic-addled nervous systems have trouble examining the evidence without relying on emotions-based convictions.

I think my own experience of anxiety has helped me become a better therapist. I have genuine empathy for my clients’ stuckness. I have felt it too.

At home just as in session, CBT provides me with my go-to mantra. I pick apart my own cognitive errors and generate healthier outlooks, even when this work is personally challenging. Every CBT worksheet that I give out in session, I have done myself. Twice.

Like meditation or physical exercise, CBT is an ongoing practice. Even as an CBT expert, I cannot drop my guard on those anxious automatic thoughts. We cannot expect ourselves to be cured of anxiety, because we tend to return to our unhealthy patterns during a crisis. However, we can develop the muscles that help defeat anxiety whenever it rears its ugly head.

Learn about how Anxiety Treatment at South Boulder Counseling can help you here.