Some mistakes we had to make ourselves first. Lacey and I both started out families young, and strove to embody the nurturing and positivity that was sometimes lacking in the previous generation of parents. We were incredibly attentive, emotionally attuned, and responsive to our children. We prioritized attachment over correction. We both, somehow, naturally clicked into the type of positive parenting that is now common for Millenials.

Positive parenting is not necessarily making kids less resilient. Positive parenting can build a natural confidence in young people, and a sense that they can always go to their caregivers both in moments of strength and vulnerability. In some contexts, positive parenting techniques can help children develop their adaptability by providing them with a supportive and nurturing environment in a variety of conditions.

However, when Lacey and I built our OCD center, we began to notice a common theme among modern parents. We were afraid of hurting our children emotionally. We shied away from the natural comments that we might mutter to our spouses, and chose instead to say the “right” thing to our distressed child. While we might think “It’s just a scratch, get over it,” our actions and facial expressions demonstrate a deep concern about their scraped knee. Although we, as children, were stuck waiting for our parents and trying to communicate by phone to landline, we now refused to turn our ringer off during meetings just in case our kids needed us! We are enjoying the fruits of our labor as children, our many afternoons of “figuring it out” in our younger lives are now helping us be a very independent and hardworking generation. However, modern parents are not giving the same gift of independence to our children.

Certain aspects of positive parenting were hindering the child's growth in our therapy sessions. Sometimes, when we pushed a child out of their comfort zone, we would get an angry email from the parent later that night. By shielding children from challenges and setbacks, parents may inadvertently prevent them from learning important coping skills and problem-solving abilities.

Modern parents often prioritize empathy with their children. Topics are openly discussed to foster a strong parent-child relationship. Children’s emotions are prioritized in family decision making. This is not inherently a bad thing. However, this type of parenting falls right into the cunning hands of the OCD. (Note: your child’s OCD is manipulative, not your child). When you believe you are empathizing with your child, you might actually be empathizing with the OCD.

It is important for parents to strike a balance between providing support and guidance, while also allowing their children to face and overcome obstacles on their own. Encouraging independence, perseverance, and adaptability is key to helping children build resilience in the face of life's challenges.

At our center, we also have encountered many parents who self-blame for their children’s behavior. Modern parenting has placed enormous weight on parental perfection and calm, which is simply an unreasonable expectation in a family system with OCD.

None of us can truly achieve this idealized vision of parenthood where parents are expected to always remain calm, patient, and understanding in all situations.

Us parents thus live with a sense of guilt and failure because we struggle to meet these high expectations. Others find themselves blaming their less-calm spouse, and believing that the family system would be fine if they could just keep their cool.

Indulging of the Obsessive Mind: Where Gentle Parenting Goes Wrong

Modern parenting is often characterized by an unprecedented level of protection and empathetic understanding towards our children. While these attributes are widely regarded as a positive step away from antiquated, overly-authoritarian child-rearing paradigms, they may have unforeseen and detrimental consequences for a segment of the pediatric population—those grappling with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Having worked with numerous families navigating the labyrinth of OCD, I have come to the conclusion that the tenets of contemporary parenting, when applied to these situations, might actually exacerbate the problem.

Challenge your children, don’t rescue

At the heart of modern parenting is the implicit aim to raise happy and successful children. However, in the case of OCD, the mode by which we attempt to achieve this might well end up having the opposite effect. The typical modern parental response to a child's distress is to rescue them from their fears and discomforts. Yet healing from OCD often demands the opposite—encouraging, guiding, and sometimes even demanding that the afflicted child confront their obsessions and compulsions head-on.

The hallmark of an effective parenting strategy for OCD is a balance between empathy and firm, loving challenge. Without the latter, the child becomes ensnared in a perpetually safe but shrinking world, wherein their compulsions are continually enabled and their obsessions systematically reinforced. In this way, modern parenting, despite its best intentions, may inadvertently be setting up a generation for failure in their battles against mental health issues such as OCD.

Your Child’s Comfort Zone is Not Reality

One point often overlooked in discussions about modern parenting and child development is the importance of pushing our children out of their comfort zones. It's through these encounters with discomfort that our children build resilience, coping mechanisms, and a deeper understanding of the world around them. However, the modern parenting paradigm is often rooted in the protection of the child's comfort and happiness above all else.

This well-intentioned approach neglects the fact that growth is born from discomfort.

Whether it's a challenging homework assignment or a distressing interaction with peers, these mildly distressing experiences are an opportunity for children to learn and grow. When a child with OCD is cocooned within our protective zones, their world often becomes smaller, more restricted, and their capacity to function in the wider world is stymied.

The Positive Effect of Empathy Expansion is a Myth

Another pervasive belief in modern parenting is that children, particularly those facing psychological struggles, need more empathy and understanding than previous generations. This is perhaps nowhere more evident than in the case of a child diagnosed with OCD. A common approach is to express understanding and empathy for the child's distress, hoping that our compassion might alight their suffering. However, there is a critical distinction between empathy and complicity in a child's radical, mind-consuming obsessions.

Empathy, without the accompanying challenge, runs the risk of inadvertently validating the child's worldview, ensuring that their distress is not only understood but accommodated and fostered.

In essence, the drive for empathetic modern-day parenting may be contributing to a paradox wherein children are simultaneously understood and stymied. The coddling instinct, when applied to scenarios involving OCD, often fails to address the more profound needs of the child—namely, the requirement to face and overcome their struggles, not just have them acknowledged.

Let Your Kids Weather their Own Emotional Storms

OCD isn't just about rituals and fear; it's a constellation of intense emotional storms that require more than placation. It's also an ailment that can be aggravated by the continual protection from strong emotions—a hallmark of many a modern parental child-rearing manual. The typical modern parental response to a child’s strong emotional experience is often one of amelioration or distraction; we've become adept at shielding our children from discomfort, distress, and even boredom.

However, navigating through these emotional landscapes, even the tumultuous ones, is precisely what equips children with the tools they need to face the challenges of OCD and, indeed, the vicissitudes of life. By protecting our children from emotional experience, we inadvertently strip them of the learning opportunities that come with emotional resilience and resourcefulness. In the context of OCD, this can reify the compulsion–anxiety cycle, perpetuating a lifetime of avoidance and fear.

We Are Creating an Independent Survivor

At the heart of any effective parenting is the silent mandate to nurture, educate, and guide our children into becoming autonomous, functional, and happy adults. Something fundamental is being lost in translation when it comes to the understanding and support of children with OCD.

We cannot, by virtue of our love and understanding, assist them. This is where modern parenting fails especially hard.

The role of a parent—particularly, a parent to a child wrestling with OCD—is not to ease their path but to equip them to manage it effectively. Parents of children with OCD often describe their children as weak. I hear parents in my training repeat this concept in different ways: “I don’t think they can handle that!” “I think they would be overwhelmed” “I need to walk on eggshells because they get upset so easily.” Children with OCD are not fragile; they are resilient in their own right, and it is only through challenging their obsessions and encouraging their resilience that we can adequately prepare them for a fulfilling and unhindered life. If we truly wish to help our children, the traditional modes of challenge-averting modern parenting need amendment.

Our intention as parents is to provide the best for our children. However, the path forward needs to be one of greater expectations and pushing our children to be better, rather than being the best rescuers. While the contemporary parenting approach has its merits, it's high time we reevaluate its application in the context of OCD. There is a need for a nuanced framework that melds empathy with constructive challenge, protection with preparation, and understanding with action. Until then, the unintentional coddling of children with OCD perpetuates a state of learned helplessness, entangling their formation in a world that, only with clarity and fortitude, they can learn to overcome.