Anxiety in Children: Three Things Every Parent Needs to Know
As parents we hope to protect our children from the stressors of adult lives. We make life easier for them. We keep them safe. We might be anxious, but we can’t imagine our kids could be as well.
Some parents come to my practice worried about kids who are irritable, negative, fidgeting, not sleeping, having nightmares, not eating well, and sometimes wetting themselves. Parents might notice fingernails chewed to the nubs and intense attachment to comfort objects. Parents report that the child has become avoidant with something that previously caused no distress. While there could be many factors at play, these are all classic symptoms of anxiety.
The following are three things I want every parent to know about childhood anxiety.
1. Anxiety is not connected to reality.
Most parents I work with in my private practice feel at least some frustration that their child who “has it all” is developing anxiety. They might point to the child’s cushioned life with disbelief that anything could be triggering such an outsized reaction.
I agree with you, anxiety is outsized. Anxiety is irrational. Anxiety does not reside in reality. None of this makes anxiety less painful.
I am a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, which means I will try hard to ground your child back in reality. However, working both in community mental health for uninsured immigrants and in a wealthy suburban zip code, I have seen first hand that childhood anxiety is universal. Having a life that is objectively “better” or “easier” from a socio-economic perspective does not alleviate the pain of anxious thinking. And sometimes “better” comes with a hefty price tag of expectations for our young ones.
2. A fear is different from a phobia.
A fear is a natural self-protection against something that could potentially be dangerous. For example, being afraid of the dark is a pretty normal and biologically useful fear. Humans cannot see in the dark and we cannot anticipate danger. We are all more vulnerable in the dark. We never want to extinguish fears, because they serve a purpose. Fears help alert our senses and make us more cautious in useful moments.
A phobia, on the other hand, is when a fear spins out of control and becomes consuming. A phobia causes significant distress, mostly by stimulating anxiety and triggering avoidance behavior.
To put it more simply: a child with a nightlight has a fear of the dark. A child that will not go outside with his parents after sundown has a phobia.
If your child truly has a phobia, we will work together as parent and therapist to cure them through a combination of empathy and exposure.
3. Parental Anxiety Matters!
I have written about this in many blog posts, but it deserves constant repetition. Parental anxiety lays the foundation for child anxiety. Modeling anxious thinking and anxious behavior does not guarantee your child will develop these same tendencies, but your kids are soaking it all in. You are the ultimate model for emotional equanimity.
This is not to say that I ask parents to mask their anxiety (mostly because this does not work!). I am all for open and honest expression of emotion with children. What I ask of parents who come into my practice asking for alleviation of their child’s anxiety, is to also examine their own unhealthy thinking patterns.
Family therapy is an act of collaboration. I never view the child as “the problem.” I see every child as part of a complex family system. I hope for every family member to enter the therapy room with open hearts and a willingness to grow.
Learn about how Child Therapy at South Boulder Counseling can help you here.