5 Ways Parents Accidentally Reinforce their Child’s OCD

1. Walking on Eggshells

Parents of children with OCD may find themselves consistently avoiding triggering their child.  While this may temporarily lead to a more peaceful home environment, long term sensitivity to the trigger will be reinforced and perhaps even increased by this parenting strategy.  Children sense that parents are being careful not to spark their reactivity and some may feel emboldened by this power dynamic.  Walking on eggshells creates an energy of hyper-vigilance on the part of the parents, and non-accountability on the part of the child.  It is a no-win situation.  

2. Becoming your child’s “Fixer”

When children with OCD get dysregulated, oftentimes parents offer an accommodation or  “fix” that would soothe their distress.  For example, parents might decide to drive to a destination if a child has a phobia of flying.  A child with contamination OCD may get dysregulated when faced with a public bathroom and parents may find ways of limiting this trigger in their child’s everyday life.  Fixing these problems for your child will unfortunately reinforce the original fear.  While improving your child’s mood and behavior in the moment, you are ultimately setting yourself up as an enabler of compulsions.

3. Punishing OCD compulsions

While fixing and walking on eggshells is not ideal, parents should also not swing too far in the opposite direction.  Punishing or even chastising children for compulsions or obsessions is counterproductive. Reacting too negatively to compulsions may reinforce the shame that children may already feel for their OCD.  Remember that your child’s OCD is separate from their true self and chances are, your child also does not want to be engaging in these exhausting thoughts and behaviors.

4. Praising OCD compulsions

Sometimes a child’s OCD compulsions can involve seemingly productive and mature behaviors such as cleaning, organizing, and being very attentive to health.  Remember that no matter how positive OCD compulsions may seem, they always come at an unreasonable cost to your child.  In order to stay that organized, your child most likely also engages in the behaviors of checking, re-ordering, ruminating, and self-shaming.  No gains made by OCD come easily, and even positive compulsions are usually egged on by negative self-talk.  When parents praise an OCD behavior, they are accidentally giving the OCD positive reinforcement and making it even more challenging for the child to resist the compulsion.

5. Conflating a child’s OCD and their personality

Because OCD can be such a consuming disorder, many parents assume that the child’s OCD is part of their personality.  For example, parents may label their child a “worry wart” or “super reliable” or “very attached” without understanding that the fear and anxiety motivating these traits is not inherent to their child’s character.  When your child has OCD, therapy will help them separate compulsive behaviors and obsessions from their true self.  Parents must also be open to parting ways with the OCD and accepting their child fully for who they are without the constant fear of making a mistake or not being good enough.