Parenting during COVID-19: The Socially Anxious Child in Virtual School
Most of us feel lonelier in 2020. School aged children are just building up their social confidence and trying to forge new friendships. Virtual school has effectively ended that process.
For those children with social anxiety, remote schooling has cut both ways. For some there is an immense sense of relief because they do not have to face the daily challenges of awkward interactions in the halls, lunchtime seat selection, or uncomfortable group projects. However, in the long term, the drastically reduced quantity of interactions with other children can actually worsen the grip of social anxiety on those who suffer it.
Brick and mortar schooling provides a daily systematic desensitization for these kids. Put more simply, kids have to endure it, so they get used to it.
Our students who were quiet in school, have often retreated even further in the new virtual schooling world. Those who have trouble speaking when all eyes are on them, may feel the same embarrassment through a screen. My young clients report that most virtual school interactions, whether spoken or through chat, are very “public.” Kids with social sensitivities can feel embarrassed about their digital backgrounds, errant noises from their family, or even internet connectivity (as children have already recognized a correlation between wealth and internet reliability).
A child who has social anxiety assumes they are making a poor impression on the rest of the class, whether or not it is through the computer.
The key to combating social anxiety as a parent is recognizing that it exists regardless of the reality around our child, and regardless of your opinion of your child’s social graces. Social anxiety is grounded internally and thus can be challenged through CBT only if the parenting relationship is very strong.
Before any other step can be taken, parents must establish empathy for the socially anxious child’s experience.
Imagine what it would be like to be constantly embarrassed, nervous, uncomfortable, and also, trying to simultaneously conceal all these emotions. Or to be docked points in class for not participating, when your body starts to shake at the very thought of clicking the unmute button. Let us learn the full scope of our child’s experience. Truly hear them out before taking any other step.
If vocalizing social anxiety thoughts is too overwhelming for your child, try opening a google doc for just the two of you. You can also pass a paper journal back and forth, and ask open-ended questions to help you and your child understand their experience.
Once you know the full story of your child’s experience and have communicated your empathy, it is time for the CBT!
Social anxiety usually feeds on three phases of negative self-talk: anticipation, experience, and reflection.
In Phase 1, your child might build anxiety by anticipating a dreaded event or interactions. They might have so much fear that their attention turns to how to avoid the encounter. Unfortunately, with virtual school, avoidance can be as easy as clicking a button. During this anticipatory time, your child might foretell (a classic CBT distortion) a dramatically bad outcome for an interaction. If you are able to notice and join with your child during what I call the “Sunday Night Nerves,” you may use this access to soothe them and gently modify their perceptions. Help your child question whether the danger they anticipate in that situation is proportional to the event. Help them ask themselves what would happen in their worst case scenario fear, and would that worst case truly be so bad? Simply sharing these anticipatory fears with their loving parent can help reduce their power, as most thoughts seem far more ridiculous once they are out of our heads. Once this conversation becomes routine, your child will probably impress you by being able to create a realistic, non-anxious rendering of how their experience could actually go.
For the social anxious child, Phase 2 in the action phase, the actual socializing event. You will likely not be able to support your child through Phase 2. You will need to resist the urge to protect them from the dreaded experience. Whether this is a terrifying zoom class presentation or a google meet for a group project with classmates they feel they hardly know, these experiences are actually necessary hurdles for your socially anxious child. Trust and believe that your child is handling their fear without you, and do not overthink your child’s experience (and thus fall into an anxiety trap of your own!). I know in our virtual schooling times you might be just in the other room, but know that they can and should be confronting these difficult situations on their own.
Remember: your child’s exposure to their feared event/experience is a necessary component to their anxiety healing.
In Phase 3, which is an anxious child’s reflection phase on a social event that may or may not have gone well, the parent has another opportunity to listen and gently redirect negative bias towards more positive or simply more realistic interpretations. Again, begin by offering your child safety and empathy, and allow your child the space to process. Your presence will naturally nudge your child towards reevaluating any overly negative interpretation, especially if trust and mutual esteem is high. Your child may be in a highly self-focused state during this reflection phase, and you may actually have some openings to help them evaluate what exactly happened in their minds and bodies when they were experiencing their stressor.
Self-awareness is invaluable for your child and when you cannot debunk their fears, simply try to ask some thought provoking questions. As long as you are connecting and talking, you are helping.
If you need further support and guidance in this process, try CBT Workbook for Kids.
Learn about how Anxiety Treatment at South Boulder Counseling can help you here.