The silenced inner critic: A Therapist's first-person account of a Ketamine Journey
My fourth Ketamine journey, accompanied by two Kairos coworkers training to be Ketamine guides, departed significantly from the earlier experiences. My previous journeys included a meditative nap, an acute OCD episode, a return to a childlike state of abandonment, intense desire, and nothingness. The cumulative effect of all these treatments have been a peacefulness and detachment from the rawness of my emotions.
With this last journey, I went deeper into the psychedelic experience, but not necessarily deeper into insight. At a higher dose I experienced more colorful visuals, more of disconnection from my physical body, less of a desire to take off my mask and re enter into communication with others in the room. This complicated journey had more fanfare, more changes in scenery and theme, but I have not been able to extrapolate the teachable moments from this treatment.
With KAP therapy, dosing is incredibly important to outcomes. Every session I have done has been a different dose or delivery method. I have yet to come upon what I believe to be my ideal medicine amount. Ultimately, when the goal is spiritual awakening, psychedelic use must be precisely calibrated. With clients, I ask for patience as we work to find their ideal dose – Ketamine impact does not seem to correlate precisely to body weight and often, trial and error is our best means of discovery.
This last journey also showed me that I continue to experience resistance to succumbing to the effects of the medicine – even at a higher dosage. I recognize that this is related to my OCD. I fear letting go, ceding control, and opening myself up to new sensations. Every time I do a Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy session I get slightly more habituated to this experience – however, for me, as with many with OCD, overcoming a fear can be a slow road.
Overall, regardless of any particular Ketamine experience, after four sessions, my overall wellbeing is notably improved. Most interestingly, my inner critic has been completely silenced.
It is a strange experience to make mistakes and not hear my OCD voice chime in afterwards. I feel oddly removed from my faults and omissions – observant but emotionally unaffected.
While I have always been skilled at apologizing to others for my errors (a fawning trauma response refined during my abusive childhood), now I find myself apologizing less for others and more for myself.
I find that my apologies are concise and sincere – with little mental health fallout if they are not fully received.
Running a busy clinic, I have many balls in the air, many personalities to support, and almost 200 human beings that Kairos aims to heal and please. Previously, such responsibility would have been unachievable for me, because my success would have been overshadowed by my needs for perfection.
After Ketamine treatment, I still try hard, but always seem to stop short of perfectionistic overkill.
I feel no attachment to p erfection, and errors don’t stick in my consciousness. I am able to enjoy challenges because it is no longer triggering me to be less than. It feels incredible to strive without the limitations set by an unappeasable inner voice.
Please contact Kairos Wellness Collective to learn more about KAP therapy.
