How does the CBT distortion of “Mind Reading” affect family dynamics?

Mind-reading is a common distortion revealed during Cognitive Behavioral Family Therapy. It's a particularly noxious thinking error for a family system. Here’s why...

When they make this distortion, family members assume that they know what their spouses, children, and parents are thinking. We assume that we know our loved ones so fully, that we can literally read their minds. We forget that all members of a family, but especially children, are constantly evolving.

Mind-reading robs family members of their curiosity about their family member’s viewpoint. It is honest inquisitiveness that can really make a conversation meaningful.

Additionally, when we mind read, we usually distort others’ thinking to be much more negative than it actually is.

In individual sessions, mothers tell me in agony “It feels like my daughter hates me.” In one case, the teenage daughter had just been in my office gushing about how much she loves her mom “even if she is annoying.” We are all our own worst critics, and sometimes the mind-reading distortion causes us to project that critical opinion onto others.

In a family system, the mind-reading distortion can cause impasses in communication.

When a parent or spouse wrongly attributes thoughts or opinions to their loved one, their family member might immediately be defensive and even offended. Teenagers tend to shut down when they are misunderstood -- “You just don’t get me.” Mind-reading can cause a deep feeling of alienation in your loved one.

The solution? Approach your family members with the viewpoint that they are vibrant, growing individuals. Most of our distortions are based on something real in the past that deeply hurt us. Believe in your family member’s capacity to change; the past does not have to be the future. Once you accept this premise, it will be easier to communicate with a curious mind.

If you feel yourself making an assumption about your family member’s thoughts, try to reframe your assumption as a question.

Sincere and open-ended questions are the ultimate antidote to mind-reading.

During family discussions, check in with your own emotions frequently and ask if you are in the right mind-space to be communicating. We make far more distortions when we are emotionally dysregulated.