Parenting during COVID-19: How to help your children cope with loneliness

Many parents jump into solution mode if they notice a child is lonely. They set up Zoom calls or bend some social distancing rules. Parents may consider expanding their “bubble.” However, sometimes we “solve” our children’s emotional problems to soothe ourselves. Taking action feels good.

Before jumping into parenting solutions for loneliness, it is important to remind yourself that your child might need reflection more than action.

Your child’s unpleasant feelings are an opportunity to build their emotional self-awareness and resiliency.

Try these three steps before any solution.

Step 1: Help your child put a name to the feeling.

Model compassion as you help your child slow down and sit with their emotion. Reflect what you are perceiving. “I sense that you are sad, am I right?” Always present your interpretation with a humble attitude, especially around a feeling as complex as disconnection and loneliness. Some children feel tranquility alone, while others can feel solitude in crowds.

If your child is not able to access their emotions cognitively, have them check in with their bodies. One client of mine could recognize that their body needed a hug. Another felt a stomach ache when it was time to log in to the google meet for school. Validate your child’s bodily sensations and help your child decipher how they might be connected to emotion.

Step 2: Encourage expression.

This is where we use all our play and art therapy skills. Your child can choose any medium to express their emotion: drawing, painting, molding, writing, iMovie, comics! The only rule is to try to tap into that emotion through creation. If your child is a little actor, then role-play or help them create a monologue. The above painting is my own daughter’s interpretation of loneliness.

The goal here is for the child to really express (and not suppress or worse, repress) their emotions. We want to honor those feelings; give your child’s experience the spotlight.

Step 3: Allow your child to brainstorm actions.

Before you jump in with your ideas, allow your child to be the “expert” in their experience. Again, as loneliness is a very personal experience, let’s not offer turnkey solutions.

Chances are, your child’s recent annoying behaviors have been attempts to cope. You might feel frustrated when your child spends too much time on apps -- but what if that behavior was an adaptive response to their loneliness? What if their interruption of your workflow dozens of times a day was not distraction or neediness, but a cry for connection? Reinforce your child’s sustainable coping mechanisms; put clear boundaries around what is not acceptable.

At this point, you can offer your own ideas and help your child implement. However, try to trust your child to make their own choices around friendships and connection. We will have many opportunities to rebuild socially after the pandemic.

Soothe your own parental anxiety by remembering that “good stress” can help children develop. Manageable amounts of loneliness are not necessarily destructive. Our children can feel disconnected and cope by unlocking their individual strength. Let’s all access our inner tools to grow stronger during adversity.

Learn about how Parenting Therapy at South Boulder Counseling can help you here.